UM - Season Prospectus

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spider
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UM - Season Prospectus

Post by spider » Tue Aug 27, 2013 4:55 pm

By Bill Misspeltz (Missoulian)

GRIZ TO WIN NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP, SAY FANS -- FRISCO, BABY!

MISSOULA – Confidence abounds when it comes to the Montana Grizzlies’ upcoming football season. Coming off a 5-6 season in which they almost won every game but instead were marred and crippled by injuries, firings, NCAA rules violations, sex abuse investigations, DUIs, MDMA sales, electing to kick off to begin both halves, and the suspension of all-world quarterback Jordan Johnson, the only conclusion is that, this year, the Grizzlies will do what they do best: Win National Championships.

“I know we’re going to win the title come January! AGAIN!” a Missoula lawyer and avid fan commented. “I mean, we have the best quarterback in nation guiding our team. He’s solid; a real gamer; best ever. Look, I know he sucked donkey you-know-whats for most of his only season starting. I don’t care, that stud had about two awesome games that year.”

“And not only that,” continued the fan, “every receiver on the team is what our quarterback refers to as a ‘speed burner.’ These are legit 4.1 – 4.2 forty type guys. We had to beat out Nick Saban and the Crimson Tide for most of them. I think we, as fans, should thank Coach for his awesome recruiting ability in getting these guys to UM. I heard a bunch of these dudes were impressed with Coach D’s guts when he ate a booger on national television.”

Although the media and the coaches both picked rival Montana State to win the conference, Grizzly fans are not deterred.

A raucous and rabid fan from Butte opined, amidst jovial laughter, “Oh those poor Kitty Cats, that’s all I gots to say. Last year we would have winned the title if Jay Jay had been back there slingin’ darts. You saw what happened in 2011. Jay Jay put on a clinic and showed Delerious McGhee over there in Blowsmen how things is done. I’m pretty sure Jay Jay was first team all-Big Sky and the league’s MVP that year. Best QB in the league. He also won the Payton award in 2011, I’m pretty sure. He’ll win it again this year. First team preseason all-Big Sky, too. I’m pretty sure I heard that.”

In addition to the excitement surrounding Johnson’s return, UM welcomed fleet-footed transfer athlete Trayvon Vann to its cadre of well-built backs. While still a senior in high school, Van received a scholarship offer from none other than the Florida Gators of the Southeastern Conference. Instead of playing for the Gators, though, Van opted for the Marshall Thundering Herd.

“Florida wanted me to play cornerback,” said Van. “I says, I don’t play cornerback, I play running back. After that I transferred to Marshall” – which is better program than Florida – “where I played running back for a bit. Then they also wanted me to play cornerback. I says, I don’t play cornerback, I play running back. So I decided to transfer to Zoo Town because I knew the coaches here were the only ones in the country smart enough to let me tote the rock.”

According to UM Coach Mick Delaney, the reason both Florida and Marshall wanted Van at cornerback was because both teams were devoid of the necessary athletic talent to man the highly demanding position.

“Trayvon was the best athlete on each team, bar none,” Delaney articulated. “Look, I know he was 12th on the tailback depth chart at each school, but the coaches were forced to ask him to play corner because he was so awesome. The reason we’re leaving him at tailback is because, as you know, our corners are more athletically gifted than Trayvon,” Delaney continued. “We gave up something like 700 yards passing last year in North Dakota, but that was just an off game for Chief Goodwin and Josh Dennard. Trayvon tells us that Chief and Josh would start at Florida or any other team in the SEC. Hell, I bet they’d start in the NFL, right now.”

Of course, Griz fans never forget to speak of Jordan Tripp when discussing the upcoming season. A fan who wished to remain unnamed reported that he has a Jordan Tripp Fathead on the bathroom wall. “This guy, I mean, his body is molded from the clay of the gods. He’s just like Michelangelo’s ‘David’,” said the fan with a glint of lust in his eye. “I can’t wait to see Jordy just pile drive those boys this year.”

After watching preseason practice this year, I tend to agree with Griz fans. The Griz are primed and ready for another championship run, which would make an almost unfathomable three (3) national “chippers” in one hundred seventeen (117) years of football.



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WalkOn79
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Re: UM - Season Prospectus

Post by WalkOn79 » Tue Aug 27, 2013 5:16 pm

:lol: :lol:


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cats2506
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Re: UM - Season Prospectus

Post by cats2506 » Tue Aug 27, 2013 5:58 pm

:thumbup: :thumbup:


PlayerRep wrote:The point is not the record of the teams UM beat, it's the quality and record of the teams UM almost beat.

HelenaCat
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Re: UM - Season Prospectus

Post by HelenaCat » Tue Aug 27, 2013 10:04 pm

Gotta admit...that was funny. The best jokes always have a bit of truth to them! :)



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gocats
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Re: UM - Season Prospectus

Post by gocats » Wed Aug 28, 2013 6:38 am

:grin::grin::grin:

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allcat
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Re: UM - Season Prospectus

Post by allcat » Wed Aug 28, 2013 7:50 am

Do you write for the onion?


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