Griz jokes for the Montana Quarterly

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GOKATS
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Post by GOKATS » Tue Aug 02, 2005 10:46 am

El_Gato wrote:A Cat fan & a griz fan happen upon a naked woman laying dead in a ditch by the side of the road. They call 911 and report the information and the dispatcher asks them to stay there until a detective arrives. Both men are a little uncomfortable waiting there with the woman laying naked right by the highway so the Cat fan removes his Bobcat sweatshirt and lays it over the woman's chest. The griz fan removes his Grizzly cap and places it over her pubic region. Eventually the detective arrives and begins his investigation.

After questioning both men, he lifts the Bobcat sweatshirt, examines the body for a second, and then places it back over the dead woman's chest. Next, he lifts up the Grizzly cap, examines for a moment, then puts the cap back. He then lifts the cap again, gets a strange look on his face, and then puts it back again. He does this several more times before the griz fan grabs the detective and shouts "Hey pal! What are you, some kinda sicko or somethin'?"

The detective replies "No, no, not at all. It's just that I usually find an a$$hole under a Grizzly cap!"
LMAO :lol: :lol: :lol:


FTG!!
[quote="GrizinWashington"]The Griz suck.
[quote=" tampa_griz"] (because China isn't a part of "Asia") .....

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Post by Cat Grad » Tue Aug 02, 2005 11:27 am

I think this is the best one yet, El Gato :lol:



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Post by El_Gato » Tue Aug 02, 2005 11:31 am

Bubba had been playing football for the Griz for 7 or 8 years when AD Don Read finally got a little nervous that the NCAA might start to notice. He decides that it's time for Bubba to leave UM but unfortunately Bubba is still at least 100 credits short of ANY degree. Discussing the situation with Pres. Dennison, they both agree that Bubba has been such a good Griz and so popular with the fans that they simply HAVE TO find a way to grant him a degree. Pres. Dennison finds a seldom-used clause in the university by-laws and decides that if Bubba can pass 1 final oral exam, he can receive a degree.

Well, it's not long before word of Bubba's test gets around and soon ALL the Griz faithful want to be on hand to see him pass his test and get his degree. Eventually, Pres. Dennison and AD Read decide that it would be a great PR event to hold the proceedings at Washington Grizzly stadium, so the event is scheduled...

On the big day, Bubba walks out proudly to the 50 yard line where he shakes hands with Pres. Dennison in front of 25000+ screaming Griz fans & Bubba-lovers. Everywhere he looks, Bubba sees signs wishing him luck. After a minute or so, Pres. Dennison raises his hands to silence the throng and says "Alright, Bubba, here you go; 1 question. If you get it right, I've got your diploma right here in my coat pocket."

A hush falls over the crowd as Bubba states "I'm ready, sir."

Pres. Dennison says "Alright Bubba, what is 2 plus 2?"

Bubba says clearly with no hesitation "Why that would be 4, sir."

And immediately, 25,000+ Griz students, alumni, and fans leap to their feet and scream as one:

GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!!!


Grizzlies: 2-5 when it matters most

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Post by SonomaCat » Tue Aug 02, 2005 11:38 am

GOKATS wrote:
El_Gato wrote:A Cat fan & a griz fan happen upon a naked woman laying dead in a ditch by the side of the road. They call 911 and report the information and the dispatcher asks them to stay there until a detective arrives. Both men are a little uncomfortable waiting there with the woman laying naked right by the highway so the Cat fan removes his Bobcat sweatshirt and lays it over the woman's chest. The griz fan removes his Grizzly cap and places it over her pubic region. Eventually the detective arrives and begins his investigation.

After questioning both men, he lifts the Bobcat sweatshirt, examines the body for a second, and then places it back over the dead woman's chest. Next, he lifts up the Grizzly cap, examines for a moment, then puts the cap back. He then lifts the cap again, gets a strange look on his face, and then puts it back again. He does this several more times before the griz fan grabs the detective and shouts "Hey pal! What are you, some kinda sicko or somethin'?"

The detective replies "No, no, not at all. It's just that I usually find an a$$hole under a Grizzly cap!"
LMAO :lol: :lol: :lol:
I hope the magazine accepts this one -- that's a keeper if they do (and I haven't heard it before!).

I like the next one as well -- El Gato is en fuego!



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Post by JahGriz » Tue Aug 02, 2005 12:11 pm

That was a good one EG, I've heard it before without the Griz/cat fans, but untill that punchline hit home didn't remember. Definately a keeper, just need to reverse the punchline so it is more realistic. :wink:



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Post by mquast53000 » Wed Aug 03, 2005 11:40 am

Q. What is the difference between Washington Griz Stadium and a porcupine?

A. The porcupine has pricks on the outside of it.





A Griz fan was seen crawling down some railway tracks. When asked if there was a problem, he said, "Yeah, man, can you help me off this ladder?"


FTG

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Ponycat
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Post by Ponycat » Wed Aug 03, 2005 11:58 am

Top Ten Courses at the University of Montana
> > > >10. Philosophy: Why Don't They Spell It with an "F"?
> > > >9. Prelaw Seminar: Age of Consent in 50 States
> > > >8. Sandwich Making: A Project Course
> > > >7. Hand-Shadow Workshop
> > > >6. Subtraction: Addition's Tricky Friend
> > > >5. Cliff's Notes vs. Monarch Notes: 2 Views of the Classics
> > > >4. Hydraulic Principles of the Keg
> > > >3. The College Classroom: A Simulation
> > > >2. ABC's: An Extended Version
> > > >1. Your Ass from a Hole in the Ground: A Comparative Study


The devil made me do it the first time... the second time I done it on my own.

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Post by Ponycat » Wed Aug 03, 2005 11:59 am

> >A University of Montana fan was putting up a new flag pole. He wanted
>to
> > > >know how high in the air his flag would be and he kept holding on to
>the
> > > >pole and trying to get the tape measure to reach the end. He couldn't
>and
> > > >he kept dropping the pole. A Montana State fan came by and said, "Why
> > don't
> > > >you just put the flag pole on the ground and measure it?" The
>University
> > of
> > > >Montana fan said, "You stupid Bobcat, I want to know how high it is,
>not
> > > >how long it is"!!


The devil made me do it the first time... the second time I done it on my own.

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Ponycat
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Post by Ponycat » Wed Aug 03, 2005 12:02 pm

> > > >A University of Montana fan went to the lumberyard and asked for 4x2's.
> > > >The clerk said they had 2x4's. The University of Montana fan insisted
>on
> > > >4x2's. Finally the clerk suggested he just look at what they had for
> > sale.
> > > >The University of Montana fan did and decided that 2x4's would work
>just
> > as
> > > >well as 4x2's and he'd buy 10. The clerk said "how long do you want
> > them?"
> > > >and the University of Montana fan said, "Oh, forever, we're building
>our
> > > >dream house".



> > >A guy walks into a bar and says, "Hey barkeep, did you ever hear the
>one
> > > >about the U of M Grizzlies?"
> > > >Four huge men stand up and approach the man. One of them says, "We
>play
> > > >football at U of M, you wanna tell that joke to us?"
> > > >The guy replies, "What, and have to explain it four times?"


> > >Q: If you have a car containing a Grizzly wide receiver, linebacker,
>and
> > > >defensive back, who is driving the car?
> > > >A: A cop.
> > > >
> > > >Q: What do you get when you drive slowly through Missoula?
> > > >A: A degree from the University of Montana.

Q: What are the toughest 6 years in a Grizzly's life?
> > > >A: 3rd grade.

Q: What is the only sign of intelligent life in Missoula?
> > > >A: Bozeman 201 Miles.


After expounding on the "merits" of being a Grizzly, a teacher asked
>her
> > > >elementary students, "Who wants to be a U of M Grizzly?"
> > > >
> > > >No one really knowing what a University of Montana Grizzly was but
> > wanting
> > > >to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy
> > > >fireworks.
> > > >
> > > >There is, however, one exception. A young girl named Kristen has not
>gone
> > > >along with the other students. The teacher asks her why she has decided
> > to
> > > >be different.
> > > >
> > > >"Because I'm not a Grizzly."
> > > >
> > > >"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
> > > >
> > > >"I'm a proud Montana State Bobcat," boasts the little girl.
> > > >
> > > >The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.
> > > >
> > > >She asks Kristen why she is a rebel. "Well, my mom and dad are Bobcats,
> > so
> > > >I'm a Bobcat, too."
> > > >
> > > >The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly.
> > > >
> > > >"What if your mom was a moron and your dad was a moron? What would you
>be
> > > >then?"
> > > >
> > > >A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be a Grizzly."


> >Four football fans were climbing a mountain one day. Each was a fan of
>a
> > > >different Big Sky conference team and each proclaimed to be the most
> > loyal
> > > >of all fans of their football team. As they climbed higher, they argued
> > as
> > > >to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue
> > all
> > > >the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the Weber
> > > >State fan hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the
> > > >Wildcats!" as he fell to his doom. Not wanting to be outdone, the
> > Northern
> > > >Arizona fan threw himself off the mountain, proclaiming "This is for
>the
> > > >Lumberjacks!" Seeing this, the Bobcat fan walked over and shouted "This
> > is
> > > >for everyone!" and pushed the Grizzly fan off the mountain.


The devil made me do it the first time... the second time I done it on my own.

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Ponycat
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Post by Ponycat » Wed Aug 03, 2005 12:06 pm

> A griz fan walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax
and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the
griz fan, "Son, how old are you?" "Twenty three", the grizfan replied.
> The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?" The griz fan replied
replied, "Not exactly, but I saw on TV that if you use these you would
be able to swim and ride a bike. I can't do either one.


The devil made me do it the first time... the second time I done it on my own.

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Post by MTBuff » Wed Aug 03, 2005 7:52 pm

My Top 10 Bobcat Griz Jokes (A la David Letterman)

1) How do you keep an UM student busy for a month? ...........Give him a package of M & M's and tell him to alphabetize them.

2) An UM grad is driving home from work when his cell phone rings. He answers and his wife says "honey just wanted to warn you and let you know that I am watching the news and some idiot is driving on the wrong side of the interstate." The UM grad then replied " honey I am already on my way home, but your wrong it is not one idiot but hundreds of them."

3) Albert Einstein goes to a party. He introduces himself to a lady and says, "Hi, I'm Albert Einstein. What's you're IQ?".........."240," she says. "Great, we can discuss the mysteries of the universe and other things. We have a lot we can talk about " he replies. Later he is talking with a man and says, "Hi, I'm Albert Einstein. What's you're IQ?"......."145," he replies. "Great, we can talk about thermodynamics," says Albert. Later he is talking to another gentleman and says, "Hi, I'm Albert Einstein. What's you're IQ?........"34," the man manages to say. Einstein gets a puzzled look on his face for a minute then says, "How about them Grizzlies?"

4) An UM grad was swirling from left to right on the road in his car. He was doing this for five minutes. Finally a cop pulls over and asks him, "Sir, why are you swirling from left to right?" The UM grad replies, "Well officer I was driving along when I saw a tree. I had to move left until I saw another tree. Practically everywhere I went, I saw a tree and I had to keep turning." Then the cop said, "Sir, that's your air freshener."

5) Did you know that there are three types of Grizzlies?
Those who can count and those who can't.

6) A Bobcat student and a Griz student have a head-on collision. Miraculously, neither is hurt. They climb out of their respective vehicles, survey the devastation of the BMW and the Ford Ranger (you can readily guess to whom each vehicle belongs) and trade information. Upon hearing the other driver is an Griz student, the Bobcat says, "I believe this wreck is signifying that we need to put aside our differences and become friends It could signal a renewed respect for each institution by countless future generations of students." The Griz agrees, and the Bobcat looks into his car. "Well, what do ya know! Here's a full bottle of Jack Daniel's that isn't broken at all. I think we should each drink to our newfound friendship. Let us be the first to celebrate the detente between our two glorious institutions of higher learning. In fact, I'll let you have the first rink." The Griz is surprised, but quickly agrees and swallows several large gulps. He then offers the bottle to the Bobcat, who says, "No thanks. I'll just wait for the cops to arrive."

7) A Griz fan and a Bobcat fan are standing on the Butte Valley yelling across at each other about which team is better. Suddenly, a Genie pops out of thin air and grants each fan one wish.
The Griz fan pipes out, "I'll go first." The genie agrees and allows the Griz fan to annouce his wish first. "I want to build a wall that is 300 feet high and 100 feet thick around the city of Missoula to keep all those Bobcat fans out." The genie agrees and POOF, a wall 100 feet high and 100 feet thick pops up around the entire city of Missoula.
The genie then turns toward the MSU fan and asks, "So what is your wish?" The Bobcat fan points toward the giant wall and says, "Fill'er up."

8 ) Whats the only difference between Bobby Hauck and God.................................. God doesn't think he's Bobby Hauck.

9) Two boys are playing football at this park in Helena when one of the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes a stick and shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it, and breaks the dog's neck, thus saving his friend.
A local sports reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. He tells the boy he's going to write the story and says, "I'll title it 'Young Saints Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal'".
"But I'm not a Saints fan", the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we're in Helena, I just assumed you were", says the reporter and he starts writing again. He asks "How does 'Bobcat Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack' sound?"
"I'm not a Bobcat fan either", the boy says.
"Oh, I thought everyone in Helena was either for the Saints or the Bobcats. What team do you root for?", the reporter asks.
"I'm just visiting my cousin, I'm a Montana Grizzly fan", the boy replies. "They're just the best!" The reporter smiles, starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: "Little Griz Bastard From Missoula Kills Beloved Family Pet".

10) A Bobcat fan, a Griz fan and an Eastern Washington fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Eastern Washington fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Eastern Washington fan had to be carried away bleeding and weak with pain when the punishment was done.

The Griz fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Griz fan out crying like the little girly man he so clearly was (a la Hans and Franz).

The Bobcat fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in all the land, your alumni has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thanks, your most Royal highness," the Bobcat fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.
"Tie the Griz fan to my back."


Bobcat born, Bobcat bred, unfortunately not a Bobcat alum, but gonna be a Bobcat fan until I'm dead!

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Post by SonomaCat » Thu Aug 04, 2005 4:37 pm

I'll set up a vote tomorrow morning of the top echelon of jokes on the thread, and then you guys can vote for the top 5 that we will send on to the magazine.

As forewarning, I'll probably have to take only the cleanest ones, so if your joke doesn't make the voting list, that is unfortunately probably why.



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Post by CARDIAC_CATS » Fri Aug 05, 2005 1:50 pm

Grizlaw wrote:
JahGriz wrote:Oh great 2002, what are you making fun of dyslexia? Only a Griz fan would make fun of dyslexia, you heartless bastage. :wink:

Next cat post: "3rd tier, 4th tier, whats the difference"
Nah, they won't say that; they'll say that U.S. News sucks anyway, and that we should ignore U.S. News and only look at whatever publication it is (which I've never actually seen or heard any Cat fan give me the title of, btw) that every Cat alum cites as ranking their engineering program at #1 in the country (ahead of Cal Tech, MIT and Harvard, no less). ;)
You asked for proof :) Here it is :) Research money isn't just given to any old school. MSU has been racking it in and doing very well nationally in many areas in research.

http://bozemandailychronicle.com/articl ... search.txt



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Post by CelticCat » Fri Aug 05, 2005 2:54 pm

"MSU's physics professors are so well respected, the university was invited last spring to join the elite Association of Universities for Research in Astronomy, or AURA, which includes MIT and Cal Tech, McCoy said. MSU is probably AURA's smallest public university."

"MSU has been listed by The Chronicle of Higher Education as the No. 15 university in the nation for winning "academic pork," which it defines as grant money earmarked by politicians in Congress, rather than won through competition with other scientific proposals."


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Post by CARDIAC_CATS » Mon Aug 08, 2005 6:52 am

Bubba had been playing football for the Griz for 7 or 8 years when AD Don Read finally got a little nervous that the NCAA might start to notice. He decides that it's time for Bubba to leave UM but unfortunately Bubba is still at least 100 credits short of ANY degree.
Discussing the situation with Pres. Dennison, they both agree that Bubba has been such a good Griz and so popular with the fans that they simply HAVE TO find a way to grant him a degree. Pres. Dennison finds a seldom-used clause in the university by-laws and decides that if Bubba can pass 1 final oral exam, he can receive a degree.

Well, it's not long before word of Bubba's test gets around and soon ALL the Griz faithful want to be on hand to see him pass his test and get his degree. Eventually, Pres. Dennison and AD Read decide that it would be a great PR event to hold the proceedings at Washington Grizzly stadium, so the event is scheduled...

On the big day, Bubba walks out proudly to the 50 yard line where he shakes hands with Pres. Dennison in front of 25000+ screaming Griz fans & Bubba-lovers. Everywhere he looks, Bubba sees signs wishing him luck.
After a minute or so, Pres. Dennison raises his hands to silence the throng and says "Alright, Bubba, here you go; 1 question. If you get it right, I've got your diploma right here in my coat pocket."

A hush falls over the crowd as Bubba states "I'm ready, sir."

Pres. Dennison says "Alright Bubba, what is 2 plus 2?"

Bubba says clearly with no hesitation "Why that would be 4, sir."

And immediately, 25,000+ Griz students, alumni, and fans leap to their feet and scream as one:

GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!!!



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Post by SonomaCat » Mon Aug 08, 2005 10:05 am

Thanks again to everybody who submitted jokes and/or voted in the poll last week. The top vote-getters were submitted to the magazine, and this is the info regarding their publication from the guy who works there:

"[They will be published] Sept. 2, just in time for football season. It comes out in the Chronicle that day, but will also be available on newsstands throughout the state. Thanks again."



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